Empathy Fatigue

I feel like I am floating on my back in molasses. I want to turn over and swim away but if I do, I can't breathe, I have a greater chance of causing my own demise. As I see if I have two options:

1: Float and hope eventually I get close enough to the edge to get out. hopefully not too slowly. 

or 

2. Turn over. Risk everything. Possibly die faster. 

Let's be honest, death is the goal at the end of life, right? 

I Feel Less Suicidal Now

I've started a new job. I am focusing on my health now. I am stepping out of my comfort zone more.
I feel less suicidal now that I cam actually doing the things that my subconscious mind have convinced me would be of no benefit. I am fully away that I am talking about myself blocking myself. Its really stupid when I think about it.

I do things that scare me if i am incentivized. Its my motivation. I am not on the journey to lose 100lbs. 45 kilos. 7.14 stone. I love the stones unit of measurement. I will continue to use that unit of measurement because it seems less intimidating and I can convince myself that its not that hard if I do so.

My goal is to weigh no more than 10 stone ( 140lb) and no less than 9 stone (124lbs). I am 157 cm (5ft2in) tall so that seems to be a healthy weight range for my height. i may even be taller by a few CM by the end of it.

My plan is as follows:
1. Create a simple easy to stick to meal plan with accessible grab n go snacks for rushed days.
2. Use the app Healthy Wage to motivate me to make my gym appointments ( $$$...$$)
3.Use the app Couch to 5k for a workout assistance. ( I really want to enjoy running plus i paid for it)
4.Maintain the lifestyle until I die.

Simple enough, yes?
Now I will combat my laziness and I am going to make an Instagram account to document my flabby to fit journey. I don't really care for followers so I don't plan on sharing it. Thus far, I've lost 6 lbs by just sitting on my bum and not bringing junk food into my home.

My goals for this task is as follows:
1.To not be winded when walking up stairs.
2.To be able to move without constant discomfort.
3.Eliminate weight related back pain and joint pain.
4.Save money on clothes because I don't have to pay the Fat Tax. ( Larger Bodies+Scarcity of Clothing options=Fat Tax)
5. Fit into a plane seat without sucking in my gut and pouring into the passengers seats next to me.
6. comfortable bras. ( If you have never been large & had large breast, you are blessed. Trust)

I don't expect this to be an easy thing to do and I know I'll contemplate giving up throughout the journey. I am expecting a hobbits journey and not a stroll on the beach.

Justify the Pain

Do you feel like when you are in pain you try to rationalize why its happening to you. What did you do to deserve this? Whenever i get cramps, its because I am experiencing what many people with Uterus' feel and go through because of the shedding of the uterus lining. I still try to justify that its happening to me because I was rude to someone. I always try to rationalize why I blame myself for things happening to me. Things that are my fault, I totally take ownership of. I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking and now I stubbed my toe on a table or chair leg. I've overeaten and now I have a stomach ache and I cant undo it. I have to deal with the repercussions of my choices. Things I don't choose, that's where the complexity begins.

I have never been decided on if i actually want kids. I believe that in theory birthing is a beautiful and magical experience. especially for people who truly want to birth a child. Its beautiful to see the human you made, grown in a living host willing to take on the responsibility to protect and nurture its occupant to the best of their ability. I would much rather not go through the pain but also not take any pain medications. I have a strong desire to not take anything stronger than OTC pain meds. Addictions are phobias of mine, thus my monthly suffering i must endure.

I have friends with serious chronic pain and its heart wrenching to see them power through.  I honestly start debating if I can miss work for a week every month and how long until i get fired. Then I look at my adorable apartment and babygirl boxer doggo and I get up and go. I put on a smile and work and while my back feels like I slept on a sack of lumpy uneven potatoes and my head is thudding and my stomach is in knots and my nether region feels like every muscle down there is cramped, I have to be polite and smile at work.

I just want to work remotely from home and be paid well enough to afford a hot tub I can stay in for the remainder of my menstruation. Is that to much to ask?

How did I even get here?

Hello again, 

I may decide to do a Dear Evan Hanson style blog. I am essentially talking to myself. I am meaning this because the things I type are conversation I have with myself. I would feel hesitant about putting out in the universe that I have conversations with myself but I have found it is not uncommon and its just a fact of my life. I rarely had anyone to talk to as a kid so I talked to myself because it seemed silly to have an imaginary friend. I did talk to my passed on ancestors and god as a kid because It just made sense more so I would have one sided conversations and just imagine that the questions I had for myself were from theses beings and I simply had to answer. I can see, reading it back to myself, how that sounds off and crazy but It has helped me deal with many of troubling thought in my life. 

I tell people  I grew up in Germany, which isn't 100% what people think.  Specifically, I was born in the U.S. , spent my toddler ages in South Korea, came back to the U.S. and my mom brought my baby brothers into the world, then we moved to Germany. I was nine years old and I lived there until my teenage years. I was back in the U.S. just in time to finish high school. The joy. I did not want to come back to the U.S. I loved being in Europe. I access i had to all the countries there, I was looking forward to university in the U.K.  and I wanted to travel. That was not my parents plan for us. 

My parents moved us back to the U.S. to be closer to their parents. As a kid, i did not understand this because I was very much sheltered by my parents in regards to the health of my extended family. I don't know a bunch of family members. We lived far away most of my life and I know those who would come visit and those who would be in town when we were able to visit family. I know my moms siblings by name and my fathers siblings, mostly , some have moved, married and changed names and some where in the military like my dad so we very seldom crossed paths. 

I often dream of moving back overseas. I dream of living in Brighton, England, U.K. and living near some water and visiting adorable shops and such. I , now a 28 year old single lady, understand what my parents were feeling when they moved us back. I now have a nieces and nephew and I already live far away from them so i can only imagine the detachment if i added an ocean to that distance. I need a well paying job that allows me to travel often between, that would soften the blow. 

All that being said, I am here now, In the U.S. and I have now the job of figuring out what I will do with where I currently am. The Grand Canyon is a drive-able distance as a start. I lived in Florida and couldn't afford to go to Disney.  That is not going to be repeated where I am now. I have made many choices that benefit my career but not my quality of life outside of work. My mission is to fight my trained behavior of working until I am too exhausted to live my life. Work | Life balance is the key.

I will go into work, work to my best ability and when it is time for me to go home,  I will not go beyond that. I will leave, stop thinking about work and enjoy my life, be present in my own life. I feel like time has slipped past , a common feeling I've noticed, because I am not present in my own life. I've ceased to stare at my phone for hours at a time, I don't have as many tv shows to watch ( I can binge on extreme sick days when in bed rest). I am forcing myself to go outside, I have a gym membership that I cant waste because I am NOT made of money. Small changes that I can implement until it becomes the routine. Small steps for bigger results. I look procrastination in the face and I challenge it. most times. I mean, I'm not perfect. 

Background Character

Let me start by saying, I love rules to follow. Reasonable rules of course. I really like knowing what needs to be done and executing it. Straight-forward , facts and clear direction are my jam. I will follow the rules step by step unless the rules are nonsensical. I currently have always been very well behaved. I've been fired once in my life because I lied about taking time off and my supervisor knew it and made sure it was brought to the attention of my site supervisor. The joy in her eyes when they brought me into the office was eerie and I didn't argue the firing, I did lie about taking time off to make it to a birthday trip for a friend. I left that job at 21 smiling as I walked out of the building. I was smiling and happy that I could not go back to that job. If I hadn't have been fired, I would have stayed at that job, possibly promoted within the company to a still subservient position that had false authority within the company constantly worrying about weather or not I would be able to maintain the job and trajectory within the company. I know this as a fact because I am very aware of my self. I have a need for stability and doing " what your supposed to do" when you graduate high school. 

Now I have been with a company for 3 years, I have been promoted several times. I have a stable job that is simple on paper and have been able to excel at an age without a college degree that is seen as wonderful and successful. I have fallen into the pattern that i feared at 21. I am now 28 and I feel more sadness and anxiety than I have ever felt in my life. I don't feel like i should be able to complain. I have been super successful and I have many wonderful things in my life. I am able to pay my bills on time, I am able to purchase foods I want and I have a vehicle that can get me to any place with a road ( dirt or paved). I think all this and yet I still complain and I still feel like my life SUCKS. pathetic I know. 

I've also been very single since 21 year old me realized that I was not happy doing the 9-5 job scene. I wanted to travel. I want to have fun experiences and make cool friends who were like family. I have done those things sort of. I have moved three times since then to three different states and all of which were for work..at a 9-5. not exactly what I meant when I wanted to make money and travel. 

After I was fired, I moved to Alabama where my parents lived and I lived in the Lofted den for three years. No privacy, no door, not great sleep. That was my rock bottom. not a bad rock bottom. A rock bottom of safety and family and a soft bed that i didn't have to pay for. Again I know my adult life has been insanely fortunate and I have many privileges that most people don't have. This isn't lost to me. My brain was my rock bottom. I was a failure, everyone I knew my age was dating, marrying, having children, and in college working towards legitimate degrees. I was in a den, trying to figure out what the heck I need to do to be happy. I love music, always have. It makes me happy, the only thing that brings me pure joy. I have done nothing to pursue that dream. Not one thing. 

I have been questioning my purpose and what I really want to do since then. I have doubted my passion and there in my purpose for years. I would have probably been in some form a songwriter or background vocalist had i made some effort. Even a little bit. That would have been  a happier life than what I live now. That's what it all comes down to. At the end of the day I hope that I can at least be happy with my choices. That's what's common among people, we all want to be happy. Following the rules, as ingrained in my DNA as it is, has made me incredibly unhappy. 

The plan: I will be 29 in January 2019. I will not go into my 30's into a job that makes me dread waking up. I will not be overweight in my 30's. I will not daydream and watch other people live the lives that excite me on YouTube and never step out into the world myself. I began my journey of self loathing at 9 years old. 20 years of that is sufficient enough for one lifetime.