I may decide to do a Dear Evan Hanson style blog. I am essentially talking to myself. I am meaning this because the things I type are conversation I have with myself. I would feel hesitant about putting out in the universe that I have conversations with myself but I have found it is not uncommon and its just a fact of my life. I rarely had anyone to talk to as a kid so I talked to myself because it seemed silly to have an imaginary friend. I did talk to my passed on ancestors and god as a kid because It just made sense more so I would have one sided conversations and just imagine that the questions I had for myself were from theses beings and I simply had to answer. I can see, reading it back to myself, how that sounds off and crazy but It has helped me deal with many of troubling thought in my life.
I tell people I grew up in Germany, which isn't 100% what people think. Specifically, I was born in the U.S. , spent my toddler ages in South Korea, came back to the U.S. and my mom brought my baby brothers into the world, then we moved to Germany. I was nine years old and I lived there until my teenage years. I was back in the U.S. just in time to finish high school. The joy. I did not want to come back to the U.S. I loved being in Europe. I access i had to all the countries there, I was looking forward to university in the U.K. and I wanted to travel. That was not my parents plan for us.
My parents moved us back to the U.S. to be closer to their parents. As a kid, i did not understand this because I was very much sheltered by my parents in regards to the health of my extended family. I don't know a bunch of family members. We lived far away most of my life and I know those who would come visit and those who would be in town when we were able to visit family. I know my moms siblings by name and my fathers siblings, mostly , some have moved, married and changed names and some where in the military like my dad so we very seldom crossed paths.
I often dream of moving back overseas. I dream of living in Brighton, England, U.K. and living near some water and visiting adorable shops and such. I , now a 28 year old single lady, understand what my parents were feeling when they moved us back. I now have a nieces and nephew and I already live far away from them so i can only imagine the detachment if i added an ocean to that distance. I need a well paying job that allows me to travel often between, that would soften the blow.
All that being said, I am here now, In the U.S. and I have now the job of figuring out what I will do with where I currently am. The Grand Canyon is a drive-able distance as a start. I lived in Florida and couldn't afford to go to Disney. That is not going to be repeated where I am now. I have made many choices that benefit my career but not my quality of life outside of work. My mission is to fight my trained behavior of working until I am too exhausted to live my life. Work | Life balance is the key.
I will go into work, work to my best ability and when it is time for me to go home, I will not go beyond that. I will leave, stop thinking about work and enjoy my life, be present in my own life. I feel like time has slipped past , a common feeling I've noticed, because I am not present in my own life. I've ceased to stare at my phone for hours at a time, I don't have as many tv shows to watch ( I can binge on extreme sick days when in bed rest). I am forcing myself to go outside, I have a gym membership that I cant waste because I am NOT made of money. Small changes that I can implement until it becomes the routine. Small steps for bigger results. I look procrastination in the face and I challenge it. most times. I mean, I'm not perfect.
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