Background Character

Let me start by saying, I love rules to follow. Reasonable rules of course. I really like knowing what needs to be done and executing it. Straight-forward , facts and clear direction are my jam. I will follow the rules step by step unless the rules are nonsensical. I currently have always been very well behaved. I've been fired once in my life because I lied about taking time off and my supervisor knew it and made sure it was brought to the attention of my site supervisor. The joy in her eyes when they brought me into the office was eerie and I didn't argue the firing, I did lie about taking time off to make it to a birthday trip for a friend. I left that job at 21 smiling as I walked out of the building. I was smiling and happy that I could not go back to that job. If I hadn't have been fired, I would have stayed at that job, possibly promoted within the company to a still subservient position that had false authority within the company constantly worrying about weather or not I would be able to maintain the job and trajectory within the company. I know this as a fact because I am very aware of my self. I have a need for stability and doing " what your supposed to do" when you graduate high school. 

Now I have been with a company for 3 years, I have been promoted several times. I have a stable job that is simple on paper and have been able to excel at an age without a college degree that is seen as wonderful and successful. I have fallen into the pattern that i feared at 21. I am now 28 and I feel more sadness and anxiety than I have ever felt in my life. I don't feel like i should be able to complain. I have been super successful and I have many wonderful things in my life. I am able to pay my bills on time, I am able to purchase foods I want and I have a vehicle that can get me to any place with a road ( dirt or paved). I think all this and yet I still complain and I still feel like my life SUCKS. pathetic I know. 

I've also been very single since 21 year old me realized that I was not happy doing the 9-5 job scene. I wanted to travel. I want to have fun experiences and make cool friends who were like family. I have done those things sort of. I have moved three times since then to three different states and all of which were for work..at a 9-5. not exactly what I meant when I wanted to make money and travel. 

After I was fired, I moved to Alabama where my parents lived and I lived in the Lofted den for three years. No privacy, no door, not great sleep. That was my rock bottom. not a bad rock bottom. A rock bottom of safety and family and a soft bed that i didn't have to pay for. Again I know my adult life has been insanely fortunate and I have many privileges that most people don't have. This isn't lost to me. My brain was my rock bottom. I was a failure, everyone I knew my age was dating, marrying, having children, and in college working towards legitimate degrees. I was in a den, trying to figure out what the heck I need to do to be happy. I love music, always have. It makes me happy, the only thing that brings me pure joy. I have done nothing to pursue that dream. Not one thing. 

I have been questioning my purpose and what I really want to do since then. I have doubted my passion and there in my purpose for years. I would have probably been in some form a songwriter or background vocalist had i made some effort. Even a little bit. That would have been  a happier life than what I live now. That's what it all comes down to. At the end of the day I hope that I can at least be happy with my choices. That's what's common among people, we all want to be happy. Following the rules, as ingrained in my DNA as it is, has made me incredibly unhappy. 

The plan: I will be 29 in January 2019. I will not go into my 30's into a job that makes me dread waking up. I will not be overweight in my 30's. I will not daydream and watch other people live the lives that excite me on YouTube and never step out into the world myself. I began my journey of self loathing at 9 years old. 20 years of that is sufficient enough for one lifetime.