1: Float and hope eventually I get close enough to the edge to get out. hopefully not too slowly.
or
2. Turn over. Risk everything. Possibly die faster.
Let's be honest, death is the goal at the end of life, right?
Tuesday, September 10, 2019
Empathy Fatigue
I feel like I am floating on my back in molasses. I want to turn over and swim away but if I do, I can't breathe, I have a greater chance of causing my own demise. As I see if I have two options:
Saturday, March 2, 2019
I Feel Less Suicidal Now
I've started a new job. I am focusing on my health now. I am stepping out of my comfort zone more.
I feel less suicidal now that I cam actually doing the things that my subconscious mind have convinced me would be of no benefit. I am fully away that I am talking about myself blocking myself. Its really stupid when I think about it.
I do things that scare me if i am incentivized. Its my motivation. I am not on the journey to lose 100lbs. 45 kilos. 7.14 stone. I love the stones unit of measurement. I will continue to use that unit of measurement because it seems less intimidating and I can convince myself that its not that hard if I do so.
My goal is to weigh no more than 10 stone ( 140lb) and no less than 9 stone (124lbs). I am 157 cm (5ft2in) tall so that seems to be a healthy weight range for my height. i may even be taller by a few CM by the end of it.
My plan is as follows:
1. Create a simple easy to stick to meal plan with accessible grab n go snacks for rushed days.
2. Use the app Healthy Wage to motivate me to make my gym appointments ( $$$...$$)
3.Use the app Couch to 5k for a workout assistance. ( I really want to enjoy running plus i paid for it)
4.Maintain the lifestyle until I die.
Simple enough, yes?
Now I will combat my laziness and I am going to make an Instagram account to document my flabby to fit journey. I don't really care for followers so I don't plan on sharing it. Thus far, I've lost 6 lbs by just sitting on my bum and not bringing junk food into my home.
My goals for this task is as follows:
1.To not be winded when walking up stairs.
2.To be able to move without constant discomfort.
3.Eliminate weight related back pain and joint pain.
4.Save money on clothes because I don't have to pay the Fat Tax. ( Larger Bodies+Scarcity of Clothing options=Fat Tax)
5. Fit into a plane seat without sucking in my gut and pouring into the passengers seats next to me.
6. comfortable bras. ( If you have never been large & had large breast, you are blessed. Trust)
I don't expect this to be an easy thing to do and I know I'll contemplate giving up throughout the journey. I am expecting a hobbits journey and not a stroll on the beach.
I feel less suicidal now that I cam actually doing the things that my subconscious mind have convinced me would be of no benefit. I am fully away that I am talking about myself blocking myself. Its really stupid when I think about it.
I do things that scare me if i am incentivized. Its my motivation. I am not on the journey to lose 100lbs. 45 kilos. 7.14 stone. I love the stones unit of measurement. I will continue to use that unit of measurement because it seems less intimidating and I can convince myself that its not that hard if I do so.
My goal is to weigh no more than 10 stone ( 140lb) and no less than 9 stone (124lbs). I am 157 cm (5ft2in) tall so that seems to be a healthy weight range for my height. i may even be taller by a few CM by the end of it.
My plan is as follows:
1. Create a simple easy to stick to meal plan with accessible grab n go snacks for rushed days.
2. Use the app Healthy Wage to motivate me to make my gym appointments ( $$$...$$)
3.Use the app Couch to 5k for a workout assistance. ( I really want to enjoy running plus i paid for it)
4.Maintain the lifestyle until I die.
Simple enough, yes?
Now I will combat my laziness and I am going to make an Instagram account to document my flabby to fit journey. I don't really care for followers so I don't plan on sharing it. Thus far, I've lost 6 lbs by just sitting on my bum and not bringing junk food into my home.
My goals for this task is as follows:
1.To not be winded when walking up stairs.
2.To be able to move without constant discomfort.
3.Eliminate weight related back pain and joint pain.
4.Save money on clothes because I don't have to pay the Fat Tax. ( Larger Bodies+Scarcity of Clothing options=Fat Tax)
5. Fit into a plane seat without sucking in my gut and pouring into the passengers seats next to me.
6. comfortable bras. ( If you have never been large & had large breast, you are blessed. Trust)
I don't expect this to be an easy thing to do and I know I'll contemplate giving up throughout the journey. I am expecting a hobbits journey and not a stroll on the beach.
Tuesday, February 12, 2019
Justify the Pain
Do you feel like when you are in pain you try to rationalize why its happening to you. What did you do to deserve this? Whenever i get cramps, its because I am experiencing what many people with Uterus' feel and go through because of the shedding of the uterus lining. I still try to justify that its happening to me because I was rude to someone. I always try to rationalize why I blame myself for things happening to me. Things that are my fault, I totally take ownership of. I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking and now I stubbed my toe on a table or chair leg. I've overeaten and now I have a stomach ache and I cant undo it. I have to deal with the repercussions of my choices. Things I don't choose, that's where the complexity begins.
I have never been decided on if i actually want kids. I believe that in theory birthing is a beautiful and magical experience. especially for people who truly want to birth a child. Its beautiful to see the human you made, grown in a living host willing to take on the responsibility to protect and nurture its occupant to the best of their ability. I would much rather not go through the pain but also not take any pain medications. I have a strong desire to not take anything stronger than OTC pain meds. Addictions are phobias of mine, thus my monthly suffering i must endure.
I have friends with serious chronic pain and its heart wrenching to see them power through. I honestly start debating if I can miss work for a week every month and how long until i get fired. Then I look at my adorable apartment and babygirl boxer doggo and I get up and go. I put on a smile and work and while my back feels like I slept on a sack of lumpy uneven potatoes and my head is thudding and my stomach is in knots and my nether region feels like every muscle down there is cramped, I have to be polite and smile at work.
I just want to work remotely from home and be paid well enough to afford a hot tub I can stay in for the remainder of my menstruation. Is that to much to ask?
I have never been decided on if i actually want kids. I believe that in theory birthing is a beautiful and magical experience. especially for people who truly want to birth a child. Its beautiful to see the human you made, grown in a living host willing to take on the responsibility to protect and nurture its occupant to the best of their ability. I would much rather not go through the pain but also not take any pain medications. I have a strong desire to not take anything stronger than OTC pain meds. Addictions are phobias of mine, thus my monthly suffering i must endure.
I have friends with serious chronic pain and its heart wrenching to see them power through. I honestly start debating if I can miss work for a week every month and how long until i get fired. Then I look at my adorable apartment and babygirl boxer doggo and I get up and go. I put on a smile and work and while my back feels like I slept on a sack of lumpy uneven potatoes and my head is thudding and my stomach is in knots and my nether region feels like every muscle down there is cramped, I have to be polite and smile at work.
I just want to work remotely from home and be paid well enough to afford a hot tub I can stay in for the remainder of my menstruation. Is that to much to ask?
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